Author: Farfalla the Butterfly-Kitten
Email: blueberrysnail (at) yahoo dot com
Rating: NC - 17
Summary: Kirk realizes that his feelings for Spock haven't jeopardized their working relationship after all, so he finally expresses them. First-time set after "Immunity Syndrome." Beta-read by Hypatia.
Mr. Spock had finished filing his report and was many chapters into a biography of Enrico Fermi when the communications console in his quarters bleeped. "Spock here."
Kirk's face appeared on the viewscreen. "Spock, are you done with your report? I wanted to talk to you about something, if you're not busy."
"My report has been submitted to the computer," Spock answered. "I was engaged in recreational reading, but it, of course, can be laid aside for official ship's business."
Kirk's eyelashes flickered. "Uh, Spock, this isn't official." He scratched his forehead, then smiled into the viewscreen. "Can you tear yourself away from whatever that is for some personal time?"
"Certainly," said Spock. "Would you like me to come to your quarters?"
"How about we meet in the garden?" It was Kirk's favorite place on the ship. "Twenty minutes."
When Kirk came strolling into the conservatory deck twenty minutes later, he knew he'd find Spock stationary and deeply absorbed in something. Sure enough, the Vulcan was bent over underneath an orange tree, staring intently at something that looked like a hand grenade at the center of a fernlike plant.
He straightened up when he saw the captain approach. "This cycad's reproductive structure was used as a food source for the natives of Florida. By transforming it into a flourlike substance, settlers were able to profit from it, creating Florida's first industry."
"You know more about parts of my home country than I do," Kirk observed. "I've never even been to Florida."
Spock cast a last, wistful look at the coontie before he joined Kirk in strolling through the garden. "The diversity in reproductive physiology of the plants on your Earth is astonishing. It is, in some ways, more varied than that of your animals."
"One thing I've learned from being out here in space is that diversity is one of the only constants," said Kirk. "Before today, I would have never imagined that there could be... single-celled organisms half the diameter of the Earth."
"Ten times the distance from Florida to Massachusetts."
"Now you're just showing off." Kirk grinned.
"I'm afraid you are correct," Spock said nonchalantly.
"Space challenges my ideas. I never dreamed that life could be sustained on that scale."
"It is entirely possible that to organisms that enormous, the idea of beings as small as we are would be totally unthinkable."
Kirk nodded sagely. "Antibodies. That's all we were today. As big as we are to ourselves, as big as we think we are, today we were just--antibodies. To the body of the galaxy."
"An accurate metaphor."
"But we've got something antibodies don't--consciousness. I learned something from our experience today, and that's what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Oh?" Spock lifted his eyebrow.
Kirk paused, trying to remember everything he wanted to say. "In Starfleet, when they put us on a command track, they tried to impress upon us the importance of not forming close... bonds with those directly under our command. Friendship, yes. But they were concerned that those who grew too close to their subordinates would be unable to function as adequate commanders, should those subordinates be required to conduct activities that could threaten their safety."
"Their position is logical," Spock said softly. "The safety of the ship and its crew or the success of a Starfleet mission should not be jeopardized for the sake of one individual crew member."
"I quite agree," said Kirk. "Starfleet also knows that it's impossible for us humans to control our feelings as well as some other species I'm sure you know about."
Spock attempted to pretend he wasn't preening at that statement.
"Friendships form and grow naturally," Kirk continued. "Connections form and they'll soon get as strong as they're meant to be, whether it's a good idea or not. It's our responsibility as sensible officers to make sure that those connections that we can't help forming never get in the way of our duty to the ship and to Starfleet."
"I understand, Captain," said Spock, his face hardening into a mask.
"No, no--Spock, you're already misunderstanding. You haven't let me finish." Kirk held up his hand. "We both know there's a connection between us, something--special. We don't talk about it--I've been afraid to encourage it because I didn't know if I'd be able to treat you as my first officer if I let this out in the open. But today, when I was forced to make the decision of who to send on that crazy suicide mission you and Bones cooked up, I was able to sit back and choose you based on your superior relevant abilities--even though the idea of losing you makes me completely nauseated."
Kirk took a step closer towards Spock. "I was able to make that choice, even though I--love you."
Spock looked at him for five silent seconds, then replied, "Fascinating. You have won me with logic."
Kirk's entire body, which he hadn't even realized he'd tensed up during his little speech, relaxed with a sigh and a huge grin. "Best way to catch a Vulcan--I'd--imagine, anyway. Never done it before."
"I must admit," said Spock, "that initially I believed you intended to withdraw from our friendship. From your mention of Starfleet's negative feelings toward love in the chain of command, I assumed you were referring to my emotional outburst in the shuttlecraft when you were retrieving me."
"You tried to get us to leave you behind. Why? Couldn't you tell we could get you out safely?"
"I suppose I should have trusted you--although you sometimes have an overoptimistic view of the ship's capabilities." Spock paused. "In any case, I suppose my guilt over allowing my emotions to show so openly caused me undue stress during the earlier part of this conversation."
"You've really got to stop making a fetish out of sacrificing yourself for me," Kirk half-joked. "There are other ways you can express your feelings, you know."
"No, Jim, I do not 'know'." Spock shook his head. "I am completely inexperienced in matters of this kind. I am uncomfortable speaking a language I have never learned."
"Well," Kirk began. "What would make you happy?"
"I do not... know...."
"I'm afraid to suggest anything, because I know you'll just go along with anything I say and I won't be sure it's what you really want."
Spock had the same expression on his face that he often did while calculating complicated astrophysics equations. His hand seemed to be rising toward Kirk's face of its own accord, and Kirk smiled slightly, anticipating its touch but not wanting to make any sudden moves.
The tips of Spock's fingers brushed against Kirk's forehead, stroking his hairline with a feathered touch. He made no move to enter Kirk's mind, instead merely examining the face of the smiling human as his fingers grew more bold. The touch grew firmer, and soon his fingers relaxed against Kirk's face completely.
Spock's free hand reached for Kirk's, which met it instinctively at their waists. Their hands locked tightly into each other's.
"My mind to your mind," Spock whispered, no longer unsure.
In his inner eye, Kirk saw a shapeless glow, and he watched in awe as it enveloped him. Without an explanation, he knew that the light all around him was the light of Spock's love. It was infinite. It was intimidating.
"Am I worthy of this?" Kirk murmured.
"Would my choice be anything other than perfectly logical?" Spock replied in his best pompous Vulcan voice.
Kirk relaxed into the glow as if it were the scented water of a luxurious bath, and explored it further. Even as he experienced its beauty, he also felt its shapelessness.
It didn't want to be shapeless.
"You want something," he pointed out.
"Yes," said Spock. "But I cannot define it."
"Well," Kirk began, "if you were human, I'd suggest... physical intimacy. That usually works for us. But I don't know what you need."
"I do want to touch you," Spock answered hastily. "Vulcans also receive pleasure from sexual contact." He thought for a moment, forming his words. "However, my sexual experience up to the present has been exclusively solitary, requiring a great deal of concentration and inward meditation. I do not wish to withdraw from you in order to achieve relief."
"We can just hold each other," Kirk proposed. The meld was making it easier for him to understand Spock's muddled message. Sex for Spock meant loneliness, not sharing. What an interesting tangle!
"In that case, I suggest privacy," Spock replied, implicitly consenting. They parted from the meld and left the garden.
"So, uh..." Kirk began as they neared the turbolift. "At the risk of sounding like I'm not taking this seriously, your place or mine?" He smiled sheepishly.
"I believe you would be more comfortable in your own cabin," said Spock. "The temperature in mine is not conducive to human exertions."
"Stop thinking about me for a second and think about yourself."
"I was," Spock insisted. "Our bodies will be close together, and you have a tendency to sweat--"
"Okay, okay, I believe you!" Kirk grinned. "It's close to bedtime anyway; do you want to just sleep over?"
"That is logical," Spock agreed.
"Will you still love me in the morning?" Kirk joked.
When they reached Kirk's cabin, Kirk waved the door open, stepped inside, then reached for Spock's hand. Spock placed his hand inside Kirk's and let himself be led inside.
The door closed behind them and they slid their arms around each other's waists. "This feels good," Kirk commented.
Spock tightened his hold around Kirk. Both their bodies responded subtly to the embrace. "It likes you," Kirk quipped.
"I was not aware it was sentient."
"Human males often claim it has a... measure of independence from its owner." Kirk's talented hands massaged the small of Spock's back.
The bed was not far off, but Kirk made no move to lead him there. Spock found himself eyeing the bed thoughtfully, but he didn't say anything.
Kirk noticed. "Would you be more comfortable lying down?"
Spock nodded curtly. Together they went to the bed and sat down, then awkwardly reached for each other. "I don't know what kind of position would make you most comfortable," Kirk admitted.
"Jim," said Spock. "I would actually find it more helpful if you would assist me in making these decisions. I appreciate your patience and concern, but in asking me to direct each one of our actions, you put me entirely in control and in this respect the encounter reminds me too much of my solitary explorations. I require your active participation; interaction with you interests me more than orgasm at this juncture."
"So..." Jim mused, searching Spock for visual cues as to what to do next. "...you want me to take control? The only reason I'm afraid to do that is that I don't know what you're comfortable with."
"If I do not wish to do something, I will let you know," said Spock. "It should at least satisfy your gallantry to know that, since I am here, I do want you."
"Ooh," Kirk murmured, smiling. He still didn't move. When it came down to it, despite his command role outside of the world of romance, he was used to being the passive, pursued pretty face in such situations.
But Spock needed something different. This could be fun!
"Please," Spock added, almost as an afterthought.
It was like a starting gun. Kirk tackled him and sent him sprawling across the bed, then climbed on top of him. His movements were carefully calculated not to hurt Spock at all. Instead, they made him swoon and almost gasp with surprised passion.
Kirk grinned and moved closer. "That better?"
Spock threw both arms around Kirk's body, unable to say anything but, "Jim..."
Kirk nuzzled his face. Spock had a nice smell. He kissed the corner of Spock's mouth. Then he kissed him again, closer to the center of the mouth. Spock parted his lips slightly to meet him, and Kirk led him into a graceful dance of tongues.
It occurred to Kirk that he might be able to come just from kissing Spock like this, so intense was Spock's wholehearted participation in the act. One more pair of pants to add to the pile of over-quota uniforms he managed to go through each week. It was a tough job being a starship captain!
"Jim," Spock murmured in a pleasant little growl, "repose with you brings me such sensations of contentment and completion."
"I feel the same way," said Kirk with a grin. "And, of course, excitement. But yes, completion. I wonder if this is the way the algae feels when it finds the fungus it wants to spend the rest of its life with."
"Neither component of a lichen is sentient."
"I knew you were going to say that!"
"Since I am a Vulcan, I am intelligent enough to know the benefits of having you in my life. However, if you prefer to classify yourself as a being lacking self-awareness--"
"I've taken a lichen to you." Then he kissed Spock's stunned lips before the Vulcan could answer.
Just doing what came naturally, they wound up further entwined after a few minutes. "I think we should take our clothes off now," Jim remarked, after spending a good twenty seconds rearranging his pants. They had traveled far enough from their usual wearing position to have become painful. "If that's okay with you."
"I look forward to visually enjoying your body without fear of my observation being inappropriate," Spock replied demurely.
"You mean you've wanted to look before," Jim said smugly.
"I have resisted the temptation," said Spock, fooling nobody.
Jim took his shirt off slowly, since he knew Spock was eating it up like a pig at a trough. Unlike most of the rest of the crew, Jim wasn't in the habit of wearing black undershirts beneath his uniform and as the tunic came away he exposed his shining, muscled skin gracefully and deliberately. Knowing how intently Spock was watching him gave Jim even more of a bulge in his pants.
"I will say without hyperbole that yours is the most aesthetically pleasing body I have ever seen," Spock commented throatily. "The style of the Starfleet tunic does not suit you. It only hides your physique, and does nothing to accentuate it. Removing it, and exposing your torso, reminds me of what happens when one strikes a geode."
Kirk beamed, then looked down at his erect nipples. "Well, they're hard, but I hope they're not that pointy."
Spock reached out his hands and simply laid them down on Jim's magnificent chest. Muscle softened by gentle flesh--what an excellent metaphor that was for Jim's personality, as well! Power subdued by kindness and warmth.
Jim writhed under his touch.
"So when do I get to see you naked?" he asked after a short while.
"I confess, compared to the skill with which you removed your uniform, my own manner of disrobing would seem very dull."
"You don't have to put on a show for me," Jim reassured him.
"I was not intending on it," said Spock, taking off his blue shirt with a single, sweeping gesture. The black shirt underneath robe up slightly as it moved, providing Jim with a delightfully tantalizing glimpse of Spock's abdomen.
He reached for the sliver of bare skin, but Spock caught him firmly by the wrist. Jim looked up, puzzled. Spock's face betrayed nothing, but he moved Jim's hand to the edge of the black shirt. He easily coaxed Jim into taking hold of the hem and removing the shirt from his body.
Jim pulled him close, eager to feel bare skin on skin.
Spock gummed his shoulder as he nuzzled into it. "I have... a decadent request."
"Yes, my lovely Vulcan?" Jim's heart quickened as he wondered whether Spock was going to ask for a blow job, or perhaps a finger up his rear--both of which Jim was quite happy to oblige him, should he ask.
"Will you permit me to share your bathtub?"
Jim chuckled at his own reverse naïvete. "You want to take a bath with me? Sounds like a great idea!" He hopped off the bed and removed his pants without ceremony. He could feel Spock's eyes roving all over his nude body while he pranced around the room, finding scented soap and an extra towel.
Spock managed to get undressed while Jim was distracted with programming the right temperature into the tap, so Jim was treated to the happy surprise of a totally naked Vulcan approaching him in the bathroom. From the looks of it, Jim was about to play with the Best Bath Toy Ever. He couldn't wait to run his hands over Spock's bare thighs and grasp that exotic-looking phallus.
But first, he made sure that the water would be comfortable for both of them. Having a real bathtub was a privilege reserved exclusively for the captain's quarters, but that didn't mean the controls always worked properly. And everyone knows what cold water does to a hard-on...
Jim folded his body into the tub and let the water course in around him. "Come on in, Spock! I think there's room."
"The construction is not intended for two fully-grown humanoids," Spock agreed.
"Unless they want to get *very close*," Jim purred. He fondled himself idly.
Lured, Spock walked closer to the tub. Jim held out a hand and helped him climb in. There was no other way for both of them to be in the cramped space at once without a great deal of snuggling, so Jim got right to it. He wrapped his body around Spock's and rested his head on Spock's shoulder. "Wow, this really feels so right," he commented.
Spock placed a hand on each of his shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. Eager to get his legs out of the way, Jim acrobatically wrapped them around Spock's back. Their groins met haphazardly, sending a jolt of pounding heat through them both.
"What is?" Jim groaned, smiling as he humped his favorite Vulcan from underneath.
"Arousal is an entirely different experience when it is shared. Far more intense."
Jim chuckled. "That's the whole point of intercourse."
"I was under the impression that reproduction is involved, in many cases."
"I promise I won't get you pregnant."
Spock raised one eyebrow. "Then I shall echo that promise."
Jim put one hand on Spock's shoulder and looked deep into his eyes. "I'm going to get off. Come with me?" he invited him, sweetly as if he were asking him if he could see him home from church.
"I shall," Spock consented.
Two pairs of arms snaked around two steamy bodies in the tiny bathtub. Jim poured his entire heart and mind into the pleasure radiating from between their legs. He traveled all across Spock's neck with his lips and tongue, slurping the wet skin hungrily. Spock replied by nudging his head slightly as a seal nudges a beach ball, so that their mouths lined up for kissing once again. Their tongues became a mirror of their erections, each muscled organ thrusting against its mate with intense fury.
Jim felt orgasm build within him, but wanted to make sure Spock was right there with him. "I'm ready. Where are you?"
"Proceed," Spock rasped in a boiling whisper.
Jim held him close and pressed their dicks together in a firm grind, causing his to erupt in erotic ecstasy. His groans and spasms sent Spock into his own climax, and they clung together to make it all last longer.
"Oh, Jim," Spock exclaimed in breathless surprise. "I am not alone."
"Of course you're not." Jim smiled. "I'm right here."
"I have always experienced a sensation of extreme solitude directly following climax," Spock explained. "But now that you are here with me, sharing this with me--"
"Now we have something else to do besides chess when we want to enjoy each other's company," Jim joked.
Spock looked around the bathroom. "We seem to have created a small hurricane."
"What should we name it?"
Spock looked puzzled. "Name it?"
"Yes, Spock--on Earth, hurricanes are given human names to tell them apart. Of course, we never had any back in Iowa, but the ones on the East coast always seemed to make the national news."
"In that case, since you are the only human here, it is logical to name it after you."
"Me? Hurricane Jim?" Kirk seemed amused at the prospect. Then he noticed that Spock looked slightly uncomfortable. "Are you cold? The water isn't that warm anymore."
"Perhaps we should return to the bed." Typical Spock--he probably didn't want to admit his Vulcan body wasn't superior in every possible way.
Kirk stood up, water falling away from his dripping body like Venus rising from the sea. "Stay there. I'll get you a towel."
Spock remained under the water, where it was slightly warmer. He stared up at Kirk, looking utterly lovestruck.
Kirk dried himself off perfunctorily, then brought Spock the biggest, fluffiest towel he owned. He held it out. "C'mere, gorgeous."
Spock seemed a tiny bit embarrassed to admit that the epithet belonged to him, but he stood up anyway and hurried into the warm embrace of tenderness and terry-cloth. Together, the two men hurried back to the bed and quickly wriggled under the covers. They were still nude, and it felt damn good.
"Jim?" Spock asked him while he petted the smooth, hairless skin of Kirk's chest as if it were an exotic fabric. "When did you first know you loved me?"
"It wasn't as organized as you make it sound," Jim answered. He nuzzled closer. He was getting aroused again, but that could wait. "First, you were just interesting, and then we became friends."
"And you flirted quite heavily with me."
Kirk grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, but I flirt with everyone. It's accidental--part of who I am. It's just sauce."
"It still has an effect."
"That better not be what lured you in!" Kirk was only partially serious.
"It did have some small importance. Humans do not usually feel comfortable enough around me to treat me with as much familiarity as you did. Even insincere flirting was a sign that you were not intimidated merely by my..."
"By you being Spock."
"Something to that effect."
"I like you being Spock."
"That is fortunate, because I do not know how to be anyone else."
"So anyway, we became friends... and I liked you very much. Better than anyone else on the ship. I suppose during all that time my subconscious was at work trying to tell me I was interested in you, in other ways, but I kept intellectually choking it off. Every time the idea crossed my mind, I'd remind myself that it would be unfair for me to invite you into a relationship because you probably had your own, very Vulcan, way of doing things like that and they probably didn't include human starship captains."
"I do not always follow what Vulcan dictates," Spock reminded him.
"I know. My brain was just playing tricks on me."
"Perhaps meditation would help with that problem in the future."
"Maybe you can teach me sometime. Anyway... I guess my sexual feelings for you surfaced right when you, uh, almost got married. Or whatever that was." Kirk tensed up as he mentioned the event, because he hoped bringing it up hadn't upset Spock.
Spock held him tightly. There were no words for a silent moment where each envisioned the other dead--Kirk at Spock's hands, and Spock in the throes of suicide via celibacy. Then they wiped away the nightmarish vision with a kiss that lasted a full minute.
"There was a... brief period of time, during all that, when I thought you would..." Kirk said when the kiss broke. "I came to see you in your cabin, and demanded to know what was wrong with you, because you wouldn't tell McCoy. But you told me."
"That was very difficult."
"I know it was. I'm grateful for it." Kirk paused. "There was a moment, when I was standing there, and you were sitting at your desk looking like you were ready to fuck bagels, when the idea of us together popped into my mind. I thought that's why you'd told me, and only me. In that one instant, I imagined a lot."
Kirk chuckled. "You don't really need that explained, do you?"
"I am familiar with the shape of a bagel."
"Just making sure."
"That would require a lubricant. The logical choice would be margarine."
"I love you."
Spock made a satisfied little noise in his throat.
Kirk continued, "When I thought you were going to ask me to help you out, I realized how much I'd enjoy that. The strange thing is, I didn't connect the attraction to the friendship yet--that took longer. They were separate entities for a while. But eventually, I realized that I care about you more than any other being in the galaxy."
"Your affection for me came together like old Earth rocket fuel," Spock speculated. "They stored the hydrogen and the oxygen gases in separate compartments, combining them to create the fires that propelled the ship only when liftoff was imminent."
"I've got a rocket in my pocket." Kirk waggled his hips.
"You are not wearing pockets," he was reminded.
"I've still got a pocket or two I can put things into," Kirk reminded him right back, licking his lips suggestively.
Spock widened his eyes, comprehending.
"But first I want to hear your story. What went on in that analytical head of yours, that somehow led to me?"
"I have apparently been romantically interested in you much longer than you were experiencing similar thoughts," Spock began. "You treated me like a friend and made it clear you found my company pleasant, and I find you a highly proficient and intelligent being. These two facts together were, I suppose, *my* rocket fuel."
"So when was liftoff?"
"My reaction to the Psi 2000 virus made it impossible for me to ignore my affection any longer."
Kirk nodded slowly, remembering. "You said you were ashamed when you felt friendship for me. Somehow, I knew you didn't mean you were ashamed of being my friend, but something else."
"I realized later that my words could have been interpreted that way. What I intended to say was that my depth of caring for you stretched the limits of what my upbringing thought prudent."
"I suppose I understood that, even then. But I had no idea it was sexual."
"It wasn't." Spock shook his head. "It couldn't be, not while I was tied to T'Pring. But I was still in love with you."
"What about after she was out of your life?" Kirk asked. "You--talked about masturbating earlier. And how it made you feel alone."
"You weren't there," Spock pointed out. "It was empty and unsatisfying. A biological function."
"It's so much friendlier with two," Kirk quoted, grinning. "A. A. Milne. A character called Piglet."
"Piglet is correct."
"So how about that blow job?"
Spock nodded slightly and stretched out on the bed. Kirk adopted a comfortable position between Spock's legs, and approached the greenish hard-on.
Kirk licked the head of the organ, clean and fresh-smelling from the bathtub, and thought about how much fun dicks were to play with. The soft skin at the tip gave way under his heavy tongue, which left a trail of saliva all the way around the head to facilitate what would come next. Then, when Spock was thus prepared, Kirk opened his mouth wide and took him all the way in.
While Kirk was down there, Spock ran five fingers roughly through his hair. Kirk was used to men doing that while he was performing fellatio, so it took him a few seconds to realize Spock wasn't just playing with his hair or, even more unlikely, pushing his head down. He leaned his forehead into the searching fingers like a cat scenting its owner, indicating to Spock that he accepted the meld without having to empty his mouth.
The world disappeared and passion poured into the void left behind. Nothing existed but two men in love, sharing pleasure. He sucked and sucked, feeling all of Spock's intense arousal as well as his own. When Spock came violently into his mouth, the meld pulled him over the edge alongside him. He swallowed while coming, and writhed into the bedsheets, clutching Spock's thighs.
He was spent. Spock was satisfied. The Vulcan pulled him up to collapse on top of him.
"Am I crushing you?" Jim murmured when he had caught his breath.
"No, I am comfortable," Spock replied. He lifted a hand to stroke Kirk's back, and shut his eyes to accept sleep's close to the happiest day he had yet experienced.
After liftoff, there comes flight.